Being a single dad is tough, being a single dad, having to deal with the mother on a daily basis is traumatising for me and my daughter, yet it seems to escape my daughters mum's attention, as she continues pushing her needs all over my life. I get she doesn't want me, this is clear, we haven't been anywhere near affectionate/loving in over 3 years. Yet every day she returns from her work to visit our house for our nightly dose of rejection and you's aren't good enough for me smirk. I am sick of her constant neediness at the cost of our trauma. I rip myself apart daily. I have zero self value and its been many a year since I gave anyone eye contact other than my daughter. I can't move in while she is still hovering around our lives. I then try and hand our daughter over on the Friday but first her mum wants me to stay for something to eat and to make sure her daughter is tired enough to just take home and put to bed. Saturday, I will receive a phone call anytime after 5am to 8am to say our daughter is awake and could I bring down one thing or another. Lately my daughter is being put on the phone to do the asking. I am a chronic people pleaser and struggle to say no to anyone reasonable request. She must have feelings for me you must be thinking by this point. Nadda, nothing, zilch, she stopped communicating with me about 3 months after our daughter was born and its never returned, she acts like it gives her a head ache to listen to anything I have to say. The result was the existing anxiety issues I had progressed into an anxiety disorder and cumulatively with all the other rejection and triggers I developed a form of PTSD. I feel like my mind and self esteem are being twisted out of all proportion and rational. I have tried numerous times to talk to her and to clarify what is going on. For the first few years, this would cause her to flip of the handle and start accusing me of attacking her, so I would just walk away. I tried writing, she didn't answer, I tried emailing, she didn't answer, I tried texting, they went ignored as well. After I try a mode of communication, I stop, so I haven't written to her in 2 years, I haven't emailed in over a year and stopped using text message last year. I feel completely cornered by this woman who refuses to let go of me or our daughter, but wants to be a single woman. Here is what she does do, she will never speak about me, ever. Her work colleagues believe her daughter is with a child minder,s when she is at work and on line and facebook, she is the perfect single mother. Reality check, her daughter lives with me and she is incapable of spending any time with her, on her own unless, I put my foot down and say I am not coming down to your house,
I have tried to ignore her behaviour, but this doesn't seem to work as inevitably I will trip over one trigger or the other. Our daughter wanted to go to her mummies, after nursery this morning, to make some bread. My oven is broke, at the moment. So, I thought she is at work, we could slip in and make the bread and head back up to mine in an hour or 2. last week her mum asked me to search for a Cheque book we have some how misplaced. P my daughter was upstairs playing on the ipad.
footnote: this blog entry had obviously upsetting me, so I stopped at ipad and left the blog in draft. I am going to post it without delving back into my mind to look for what I had bumped into at the point of leaving it at ipad.
I guess what I am saying through this particular blog is I feel as a coparent stuck in a perpetual cycle of rejection which can often find salt rubbed into the wounds.
Sunday, 7 July 2013
lap top died
I have a terrible history with computers, laptops and phones breaking or going missing, resulting in the loss of masses of information, photo's and phone numbers.
The laptop, I was using up until a few months ago, took its last bleep and has never opened its eyes again. I was then just left with internet access through my iphone, which severally restricts my ability to write, due to having a dodgy right thumb following 2 corrective operations following a brutal attack, in which my tendon was severed. it makes typing text messages of emails pretty lame. I have also found my eye sight starting to falter in a past few years. I hate wearing glasses because, they remind me of my dead father who was probably one of the worse fathers a boy could have. He left my mum by the time she had his 4th child, me, admittedly he was in prison during my birth but on release never returned but had the heartless attitude of only moving a mile away with his other wife and so to be mother of his 5th kid and boy. The golden boy hates his dad more than I did despite my/our dad bring him up on his own, the marriage didn't last long.
Not really sure why, I have opened this line of thinking other than to connect I can often have the same worry, I will bring my daughter up for her to turn around a hate me one day and for me to be left alone like my dad to die in an empty took 6 weeks for his body to be found following drinking himself to a heart attack, riddled by guilt, shame and self pity. The reason for these emotions, relate to a shameful act he committed 6 months before his death, in front of my severely disabled sister, she had a stroke at 40 and lost half her body to numbness and rigidity and developed schizophrenia. They always had a weird relationship, in that out of his 4 kids to my mum, Josephine had become a life long obsession for him and she wasn't innocent in her use of his attentions through the years. Anyway his final act was to me morally repugnant and caused me aggressively grieve him when he passed.
I don't think I have quite worked out the process for blogging on this site, I seem to be stuck on how to work out the functions. I will get there. Anyway, I managed to access a new laptop last week and within a few days I had messed up all the functions and had to restore the system yesterday to factory settings. I then had to spend the best part of 6 hours working out how to make the computer access the 3G modem which was working well before the restore but had vanished and wasn't responding. I eventually found the function and now I am fully back on line now but worried I am going to hit the wrong button again and crash the bugger.
Its a hot summers day and my daughter is playing in a sleeping bag in front of me with a torch and a curious kitten, with a robust temperament for being child handled.
The laptop, I was using up until a few months ago, took its last bleep and has never opened its eyes again. I was then just left with internet access through my iphone, which severally restricts my ability to write, due to having a dodgy right thumb following 2 corrective operations following a brutal attack, in which my tendon was severed. it makes typing text messages of emails pretty lame. I have also found my eye sight starting to falter in a past few years. I hate wearing glasses because, they remind me of my dead father who was probably one of the worse fathers a boy could have. He left my mum by the time she had his 4th child, me, admittedly he was in prison during my birth but on release never returned but had the heartless attitude of only moving a mile away with his other wife and so to be mother of his 5th kid and boy. The golden boy hates his dad more than I did despite my/our dad bring him up on his own, the marriage didn't last long.
Not really sure why, I have opened this line of thinking other than to connect I can often have the same worry, I will bring my daughter up for her to turn around a hate me one day and for me to be left alone like my dad to die in an empty took 6 weeks for his body to be found following drinking himself to a heart attack, riddled by guilt, shame and self pity. The reason for these emotions, relate to a shameful act he committed 6 months before his death, in front of my severely disabled sister, she had a stroke at 40 and lost half her body to numbness and rigidity and developed schizophrenia. They always had a weird relationship, in that out of his 4 kids to my mum, Josephine had become a life long obsession for him and she wasn't innocent in her use of his attentions through the years. Anyway his final act was to me morally repugnant and caused me aggressively grieve him when he passed.
I don't think I have quite worked out the process for blogging on this site, I seem to be stuck on how to work out the functions. I will get there. Anyway, I managed to access a new laptop last week and within a few days I had messed up all the functions and had to restore the system yesterday to factory settings. I then had to spend the best part of 6 hours working out how to make the computer access the 3G modem which was working well before the restore but had vanished and wasn't responding. I eventually found the function and now I am fully back on line now but worried I am going to hit the wrong button again and crash the bugger.
Its a hot summers day and my daughter is playing in a sleeping bag in front of me with a torch and a curious kitten, with a robust temperament for being child handled.
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