Being a single dad is tough, being a single dad, having to deal with the mother on a daily basis is traumatising for me and my daughter, yet it seems to escape my daughters mum's attention, as she continues pushing her needs all over my life. I get she doesn't want me, this is clear, we haven't been anywhere near affectionate/loving in over 3 years. Yet every day she returns from her work to visit our house for our nightly dose of rejection and you's aren't good enough for me smirk. I am sick of her constant neediness at the cost of our trauma. I rip myself apart daily. I have zero self value and its been many a year since I gave anyone eye contact other than my daughter. I can't move in while she is still hovering around our lives. I then try and hand our daughter over on the Friday but first her mum wants me to stay for something to eat and to make sure her daughter is tired enough to just take home and put to bed. Saturday, I will receive a phone call anytime after 5am to 8am to say our daughter is awake and could I bring down one thing or another. Lately my daughter is being put on the phone to do the asking. I am a chronic people pleaser and struggle to say no to anyone reasonable request. She must have feelings for me you must be thinking by this point. Nadda, nothing, zilch, she stopped communicating with me about 3 months after our daughter was born and its never returned, she acts like it gives her a head ache to listen to anything I have to say. The result was the existing anxiety issues I had progressed into an anxiety disorder and cumulatively with all the other rejection and triggers I developed a form of PTSD. I feel like my mind and self esteem are being twisted out of all proportion and rational. I have tried numerous times to talk to her and to clarify what is going on. For the first few years, this would cause her to flip of the handle and start accusing me of attacking her, so I would just walk away. I tried writing, she didn't answer, I tried emailing, she didn't answer, I tried texting, they went ignored as well. After I try a mode of communication, I stop, so I haven't written to her in 2 years, I haven't emailed in over a year and stopped using text message last year. I feel completely cornered by this woman who refuses to let go of me or our daughter, but wants to be a single woman. Here is what she does do, she will never speak about me, ever. Her work colleagues believe her daughter is with a child minder,s when she is at work and on line and facebook, she is the perfect single mother. Reality check, her daughter lives with me and she is incapable of spending any time with her, on her own unless, I put my foot down and say I am not coming down to your house,
I have tried to ignore her behaviour, but this doesn't seem to work as inevitably I will trip over one trigger or the other. Our daughter wanted to go to her mummies, after nursery this morning, to make some bread. My oven is broke, at the moment. So, I thought she is at work, we could slip in and make the bread and head back up to mine in an hour or 2. last week her mum asked me to search for a Cheque book we have some how misplaced. P my daughter was upstairs playing on the ipad.
footnote: this blog entry had obviously upsetting me, so I stopped at ipad and left the blog in draft. I am going to post it without delving back into my mind to look for what I had bumped into at the point of leaving it at ipad.
I guess what I am saying through this particular blog is I feel as a coparent stuck in a perpetual cycle of rejection which can often find salt rubbed into the wounds.
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