Being a single dad is tough, being a single dad, having to deal with the mother on a daily basis is traumatising for me and my daughter, yet it seems to escape my daughters mum's attention, as she continues pushing her needs all over my life. I get she doesn't want me, this is clear, we haven't been anywhere near affectionate/loving in over 3 years. Yet every day she returns from her work to visit our house for our nightly dose of rejection and you's aren't good enough for me smirk. I am sick of her constant neediness at the cost of our trauma. I rip myself apart daily. I have zero self value and its been many a year since I gave anyone eye contact other than my daughter. I can't move in while she is still hovering around our lives. I then try and hand our daughter over on the Friday but first her mum wants me to stay for something to eat and to make sure her daughter is tired enough to just take home and put to bed. Saturday, I will receive a phone call anytime after 5am to 8am to say our daughter is awake and could I bring down one thing or another. Lately my daughter is being put on the phone to do the asking. I am a chronic people pleaser and struggle to say no to anyone reasonable request. She must have feelings for me you must be thinking by this point. Nadda, nothing, zilch, she stopped communicating with me about 3 months after our daughter was born and its never returned, she acts like it gives her a head ache to listen to anything I have to say. The result was the existing anxiety issues I had progressed into an anxiety disorder and cumulatively with all the other rejection and triggers I developed a form of PTSD. I feel like my mind and self esteem are being twisted out of all proportion and rational. I have tried numerous times to talk to her and to clarify what is going on. For the first few years, this would cause her to flip of the handle and start accusing me of attacking her, so I would just walk away. I tried writing, she didn't answer, I tried emailing, she didn't answer, I tried texting, they went ignored as well. After I try a mode of communication, I stop, so I haven't written to her in 2 years, I haven't emailed in over a year and stopped using text message last year. I feel completely cornered by this woman who refuses to let go of me or our daughter, but wants to be a single woman. Here is what she does do, she will never speak about me, ever. Her work colleagues believe her daughter is with a child minder,s when she is at work and on line and facebook, she is the perfect single mother. Reality check, her daughter lives with me and she is incapable of spending any time with her, on her own unless, I put my foot down and say I am not coming down to your house,
I have tried to ignore her behaviour, but this doesn't seem to work as inevitably I will trip over one trigger or the other. Our daughter wanted to go to her mummies, after nursery this morning, to make some bread. My oven is broke, at the moment. So, I thought she is at work, we could slip in and make the bread and head back up to mine in an hour or 2. last week her mum asked me to search for a Cheque book we have some how misplaced. P my daughter was upstairs playing on the ipad.
footnote: this blog entry had obviously upsetting me, so I stopped at ipad and left the blog in draft. I am going to post it without delving back into my mind to look for what I had bumped into at the point of leaving it at ipad.
I guess what I am saying through this particular blog is I feel as a coparent stuck in a perpetual cycle of rejection which can often find salt rubbed into the wounds.
Sunday 7 July 2013
lap top died
I have a terrible history with computers, laptops and phones breaking or going missing, resulting in the loss of masses of information, photo's and phone numbers.
The laptop, I was using up until a few months ago, took its last bleep and has never opened its eyes again. I was then just left with internet access through my iphone, which severally restricts my ability to write, due to having a dodgy right thumb following 2 corrective operations following a brutal attack, in which my tendon was severed. it makes typing text messages of emails pretty lame. I have also found my eye sight starting to falter in a past few years. I hate wearing glasses because, they remind me of my dead father who was probably one of the worse fathers a boy could have. He left my mum by the time she had his 4th child, me, admittedly he was in prison during my birth but on release never returned but had the heartless attitude of only moving a mile away with his other wife and so to be mother of his 5th kid and boy. The golden boy hates his dad more than I did despite my/our dad bring him up on his own, the marriage didn't last long.
Not really sure why, I have opened this line of thinking other than to connect I can often have the same worry, I will bring my daughter up for her to turn around a hate me one day and for me to be left alone like my dad to die in an empty took 6 weeks for his body to be found following drinking himself to a heart attack, riddled by guilt, shame and self pity. The reason for these emotions, relate to a shameful act he committed 6 months before his death, in front of my severely disabled sister, she had a stroke at 40 and lost half her body to numbness and rigidity and developed schizophrenia. They always had a weird relationship, in that out of his 4 kids to my mum, Josephine had become a life long obsession for him and she wasn't innocent in her use of his attentions through the years. Anyway his final act was to me morally repugnant and caused me aggressively grieve him when he passed.
I don't think I have quite worked out the process for blogging on this site, I seem to be stuck on how to work out the functions. I will get there. Anyway, I managed to access a new laptop last week and within a few days I had messed up all the functions and had to restore the system yesterday to factory settings. I then had to spend the best part of 6 hours working out how to make the computer access the 3G modem which was working well before the restore but had vanished and wasn't responding. I eventually found the function and now I am fully back on line now but worried I am going to hit the wrong button again and crash the bugger.
Its a hot summers day and my daughter is playing in a sleeping bag in front of me with a torch and a curious kitten, with a robust temperament for being child handled.
The laptop, I was using up until a few months ago, took its last bleep and has never opened its eyes again. I was then just left with internet access through my iphone, which severally restricts my ability to write, due to having a dodgy right thumb following 2 corrective operations following a brutal attack, in which my tendon was severed. it makes typing text messages of emails pretty lame. I have also found my eye sight starting to falter in a past few years. I hate wearing glasses because, they remind me of my dead father who was probably one of the worse fathers a boy could have. He left my mum by the time she had his 4th child, me, admittedly he was in prison during my birth but on release never returned but had the heartless attitude of only moving a mile away with his other wife and so to be mother of his 5th kid and boy. The golden boy hates his dad more than I did despite my/our dad bring him up on his own, the marriage didn't last long.
Not really sure why, I have opened this line of thinking other than to connect I can often have the same worry, I will bring my daughter up for her to turn around a hate me one day and for me to be left alone like my dad to die in an empty took 6 weeks for his body to be found following drinking himself to a heart attack, riddled by guilt, shame and self pity. The reason for these emotions, relate to a shameful act he committed 6 months before his death, in front of my severely disabled sister, she had a stroke at 40 and lost half her body to numbness and rigidity and developed schizophrenia. They always had a weird relationship, in that out of his 4 kids to my mum, Josephine had become a life long obsession for him and she wasn't innocent in her use of his attentions through the years. Anyway his final act was to me morally repugnant and caused me aggressively grieve him when he passed.
I don't think I have quite worked out the process for blogging on this site, I seem to be stuck on how to work out the functions. I will get there. Anyway, I managed to access a new laptop last week and within a few days I had messed up all the functions and had to restore the system yesterday to factory settings. I then had to spend the best part of 6 hours working out how to make the computer access the 3G modem which was working well before the restore but had vanished and wasn't responding. I eventually found the function and now I am fully back on line now but worried I am going to hit the wrong button again and crash the bugger.
Its a hot summers day and my daughter is playing in a sleeping bag in front of me with a torch and a curious kitten, with a robust temperament for being child handled.
Friday 1 February 2013
Charity shops get up my nose
I am about to run out the door to go and collect my daughter from nursery. I have just returned from a jaunt around the local town and charity shops. I am so annoyed with the constant unprofessional customer service, I always receive in charity shops. At first when I am browsing, I am watched like a shop lifter and if I ever venture near the till, DVD's or anything worth money, I will immediately have a shop attendant blocking my way.
Then if I do see something, which I normally do. I will go to the counter and every time they will change their position and judgement from your not a shop lifter to, your now trying to pass fake notes. Lets say, I pull out as £20.00 note it will be viewed like a £50 note and more often then not, they will ask if I have anything smaller. Then my notes will be vigourously touched up and put up to the light and the pen will come out. Today, I was buying a pair of shoes for £4.99 and handed over a £5 note, the woman behind the counter went to ring up my sale, when from across the shop came rushing one of the attendants who had been watching me, shouting 'you have to check the note/money first'. I became annoyed and said 'do you really need to act this way over a £5 note. They defensively came out with the usual statement, we check every bodies money. I replied 'no you don't, I come into these shops weekly to daily and watch you take money from customers all the time without checking it first. Your making a character judgement on me and I don't like it. I will never go back into that particular shop ever again and feel like complaining to the management.
I am forever hearing about shop local campaigns to move people away from the big stores to local shops and I mostly try to use local shops. However, I am at the end of my tether with constantly being viewed as either a shop lifter or a potential fake note passer. I have never shop lifted in my life or passed a fake note. Its purely discrimination and charity shops in my opinion and experience are the worse for dreadful behaviour.
Then if I do see something, which I normally do. I will go to the counter and every time they will change their position and judgement from your not a shop lifter to, your now trying to pass fake notes. Lets say, I pull out as £20.00 note it will be viewed like a £50 note and more often then not, they will ask if I have anything smaller. Then my notes will be vigourously touched up and put up to the light and the pen will come out. Today, I was buying a pair of shoes for £4.99 and handed over a £5 note, the woman behind the counter went to ring up my sale, when from across the shop came rushing one of the attendants who had been watching me, shouting 'you have to check the note/money first'. I became annoyed and said 'do you really need to act this way over a £5 note. They defensively came out with the usual statement, we check every bodies money. I replied 'no you don't, I come into these shops weekly to daily and watch you take money from customers all the time without checking it first. Your making a character judgement on me and I don't like it. I will never go back into that particular shop ever again and feel like complaining to the management.
I am forever hearing about shop local campaigns to move people away from the big stores to local shops and I mostly try to use local shops. However, I am at the end of my tether with constantly being viewed as either a shop lifter or a potential fake note passer. I have never shop lifted in my life or passed a fake note. Its purely discrimination and charity shops in my opinion and experience are the worse for dreadful behaviour.
Thursday 31 January 2013
24 hours free of faceache book
Yeah, I am free to do what I want any ole time. At least it feels this way. I put my last post into faceachebook about 40 hours ago, saying 'I am going to take a break from facebook and thank you for the previous support and like or my daughters pictures but its time to part company for a while. I can't say I haven't had the compulsion to go back as its a kind of routine and ritual, plus people had messaged me. However, stay a way I will. It was doing my head in. I was sitting night after night, week after week, month after month etc bashing my life onto my wall, to receive a like every now and again. I truly felt like a troll by the end. I know part of the problem was I didn't flirt with anyone or talk on instant message and used my wall and comments to say everything I wanted to say. I had nothing to hide and I wanted nothing.
I became bored with people constant need to give advice without looking at all the facts or listening to my point of view. It seems if they have done something a certain way, then so should I. We are all different, similar because we are cruel humans but different in the control we have over said cruelty; to the land we live in and the people and animals we share the earth with.
This is a short post because I am just about to jump out the door. I have to endure my ex's house for the afternoon because she off to work and is waiting for a grandfather clock of something being delivered.
I became bored with people constant need to give advice without looking at all the facts or listening to my point of view. It seems if they have done something a certain way, then so should I. We are all different, similar because we are cruel humans but different in the control we have over said cruelty; to the land we live in and the people and animals we share the earth with.
This is a short post because I am just about to jump out the door. I have to endure my ex's house for the afternoon because she off to work and is waiting for a grandfather clock of something being delivered.
Sunday 27 January 2013
Aspergers/ HFA test, score 40
I just scored 40 out of 50 in a high functioning/aspergers test. Above 32 people are diagnosed with aspergers or autism and above 34 is extreme. I should seek proper advice about being properly tested, as I have suspected for a while now, I am a high functioning adult with autism.
I am not sure what difference it will make knowing I have this disorder other than possible put some things into perspective for me.
http://www.piepalace.ca/blog/asperger-test-aq-test/
I am not sure what difference it will make knowing I have this disorder other than possible put some things into perspective for me.
http://www.piepalace.ca/blog/asperger-test-aq-test/
Its an unhealthy compulsion, sitting liking and re-sharing meaningless posts on face crooks. I went in because a friend had made a not so welcome comment on a picture I had uploaded and a friend of their's who had become a contact of mine had agreed with them. I felt a bit ambushed. I didn't mind my older friends comment its more the fact the other person agreed with them, at my expense, kind of put my back up. I will probably unfriend and block them as they obviously are reading into my life what they want and not what I am saying. I think what people really don't get is I had to teach myself how to read and write and have never sat an exam in my entire life. So when I write I can often make mistakes, I only see when I return to a post. I don't like people making statements about my life which includes the words unhealthy unless they are agreeing with something unhealthy I have pointed out, other wise I take it as a criticism. I wouldn't use the words unhealthy when it came to their life, so don't expect it back.
Saturday 26 January 2013
Decanting from facebook
How single mums deal with 2, 3 or more hyper active kids, I will never know. Phoebe has been battling all week to do what she wants to do or eat and nothing else. Today she doesn't want to go with her mum, so has been hiding all morning under beds and in cupboards, refusing to get dressed. When her mum eventually turned up about 1pm, we both battled to get her dressed, then she had a tantrum, about not wanting to go with her mum and wanted to stay here. Mum walked out crying and now Phoebe has reverted to containing me, from going anywhere. She is in for a sharp shock because we are getting on the next bus.
I started writing the above post for, either my personal wall or the page I manage on facebook. However, lately I have really started to question my use of facebook, especially as a blog come photo album.
Tonight after returning from eventually handing my daughter over, to her mother. I cleaned my kitchen and sat down and staring back at me, was the above paragraph/update I had failed to press send on.
My issue with face book is the constant inappropriate advice people feel over whelmed to dish out, left, right and centre. Its usually ill informed, bland and something I would have already tried and posted about. I find if you try and ignore the advice, they will think its good advice and keep posting crap life instructions at you and if you say no offence,but I didn't ask for advice, then offence will be taken. Its a no win situation. So, I have reached my end with facebook as, a blog. I am no longer going to invest my time, energy or life experiences to my trivial wall or page.
I have been meaning to put some energy into kick starting this blog and here I am and now is as good a time as any to batter a few hundreds words into my keyboard.
I started writing the above post for, either my personal wall or the page I manage on facebook. However, lately I have really started to question my use of facebook, especially as a blog come photo album.
Tonight after returning from eventually handing my daughter over, to her mother. I cleaned my kitchen and sat down and staring back at me, was the above paragraph/update I had failed to press send on.
My issue with face book is the constant inappropriate advice people feel over whelmed to dish out, left, right and centre. Its usually ill informed, bland and something I would have already tried and posted about. I find if you try and ignore the advice, they will think its good advice and keep posting crap life instructions at you and if you say no offence,but I didn't ask for advice, then offence will be taken. Its a no win situation. So, I have reached my end with facebook as, a blog. I am no longer going to invest my time, energy or life experiences to my trivial wall or page.
I have been meaning to put some energy into kick starting this blog and here I am and now is as good a time as any to batter a few hundreds words into my keyboard.
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